I bet you’re wondering why I dislike CrossFit, so much?
The reality is my hatred for the hottest craze to buck the
fitness industry is purely emotional and backed by completely unscientific and
mostly-made-up research.
Lou Rawls’ song is looping in my brain as I write this. I virtually cradle the chrome microphone
between my cupped hands and remorsefully sing to you…
“You'll never find, as long as you live
Someone
who loves you tender like I do.
You'll
never find, no matter where you search
Someone
who cares about you the way I do…”
I joined the fitness
industry more than 7 years ago, after about a decade of being an unhealthy,
lazy fat-ass. I was never athletic. Shit!
I’m still not “athletic”. I
wanted to be able to scale rock walls, jump high, flip my body like I had
springs for feet, and run faster than the wind.
But my body mechanics – and sad, sad lack of coordination – would not
allow it. Instead, I dug deep and
learned to work with what I CAN do… and then master the shit out of it!
I became certified to teach every
possible fitness discipline I could handle.
Eventually, one of my besties, Kay, and I created a fitness business and
named our new baby KBfit. We dug deep
into our souls, hearts, and finances to help everybody we could touch through
the power of physical fitness. It had
changed our lives and we had a vision to change their lives. We wanted to show people how to be their best
in spite of injuries, age, and… fear.
Meanwhile, back at the
ranch, a new fitness phenomenon was rising up.
Friends were joining CrossFit boxes and telling me all about their cool
workouts. I really wanted to try
it. But then I saw how much it
cost. That was a deal-breaker for
me. That and my own previous injuries
including but not limited to a 2-level spinal fusion. *Le Sigh*
Kay and I bought equipment, attended conferences, and obtained
certifications and licensing. We designed
workouts that could challenge people at every fitness level. More than a year and a half later, KBfit is
still kicking. We research and scheme to
keep workouts fresh. We strive to add a
personal touch and really get to know every single one of our members. We make ourselves available all day – every day
. We try to accommodate as many needs as
we can. We truly love our business and – even more – we truly love our
members. That’s all we want to do. Love our members and deliver something that
is neither cost-prohibitive nor injury-inducing. We just want to exist and do our thing - changing lives and promoting wellness.
Here’s the thing: We
love our members and our business so much that we are like jealous lovers.
And there it is, readers.
THAT is why I hate CrossFit! CrossFit
(CF) threatens the sanctity of our love.
I hate competing with an entity that threatens to steal my
people… my loves. I hate competing for
you. I just want to love you. Just relax and let me love you, baby.
“… Whoa,
I'm not braggin' on myself, baby
But
I'm the one who loves you
And
there's no one else, no-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh one else…”
Let me repeat that. No…
One… else!!!
Am I a CF-hater because I “can’t hang”? Yeah.
I guess so. I have titanium rods
in my back and now half my plantar’s fascia has been severed. You’re damn right
I can’t jump up and down off a box that’s 2-4 feet high! And I shouldn't have to, either! Why you gotta make me and my people feel bad
for not wanting to jump around like a damned fart in a bottle, risking a torn Achilles’
tendon or ACL?
Am I jealous? How ‘bout
yes! I’d love to be able to do a zillion
un-assisted pull-ups. But I can’t. Maybe I’m too tall. Maybe I’m too weak. Maybe I’m too fat. But why you gotta make me cry and hate myself
for it? Why can’t you just hug me and
help me find a workaround so I can feel GOOD about myself?
I believe fitness should make us feel good. Not make us compete with our own peers so
hard out of our realm of safety that we barf or get hurt… or piss ourselves…
really, CrossFit? REALLY?! That’s not even sanitary!
“You'll never find, it'll take the end of all time
Someone
to understand you like I do
You'll
never find the rhythm, the rhyme
All
the magic we shared, just us…”
I understand you, baby.
I know your trials and tribulations.
I know when you want to quit and when you need
to quit. That CrossFit coach SAYS he
loves you, but does he give you his cell number and tell you to text him
anytime you need someone to talk you down from the ledge? Does he let you bring your kids to class cuz
you’re strapped for a sitter? Does he
give you a price break cuz you’re strapped for cash? Does he give you a hug cuz you’re strapped
for answers why you’re not losing weight?
Now, I have lots of friends who do CF and they are good
people. They don’t make me cry or taunt
me when I walk by and call me names like, “Sissy bootcamper” or anything like
that. I know, I know… I know my hatred
is not rational or even scientifically founded.
I know not all CF boxes and CF people are evil. But I
still feel the divide. I still pick up
the condescension.
“Whoa, I'm not tryin' to make you stay, baby
But I
know some how, some day, some way
You
are (you're gonna miss my lovin')…”
You will, you know. Some day… you will miss my lovin’. You’ll miss the good times we had. You’ll miss how much I cared for you. You’ll miss how hard I worked to make you
smile.
So, that’s it. That’s why I hate CrossFit. I hate all the rhetoric about how it’s
tougher than errthing else. You know
what? It’s NOT better than all the other
fitness entities. It’s just
different. So stop bragging like it’s
better than us, stronger than us, and sexier than us. Just like all the other crazes, it WILL
eventually be replaced by a newer take on the same damn thing. And I’ll still be here… doing MY thing…. Loving
you.
Disclaimer: Lou Rawls doesn't really hate CrossFit. I totally made that up.
