Small Doses

Sometimes, friends will say "We should get together more often".  Especially the newer friends will say this; the ones that don't know yet.  And I'll say, "We totally should!".  But what I'm thinking is, "No.  No we shouldn't.  Save yourself now." 

For those of you who don't know me... I mean KNOW me... I'm a strong personality.  I say what I want; I write what I think; and think as I write.  I don't 'dumb it down' or 'soften it up'.  This style of communication often results in disjointed thoughts, random f-bombs, and offended people.  After 38 years of pissing people off, you'd think I'd learn.  But alas... I have not.

This personality trait actually causes me a lot of anxiety.  I feel like Sybil, sometimes, as my brain duels itself.  "Don't say/write that!  That's too harsh!  You want people to like you, don't you???" 

"Screw them!  It needs to be said/written!  Why do I have to hold back so the weaker people don't get all offended??"

"OMG!  You are such a bitch!  Do you really think people like that about you???"

"Yes!  No.  Maybe?  Oh hell... I did it again, didn't I?"

"Yes.  Dumbass!"

And that's the general conversation in my head.  There are different variations, but they're all about the same thing.  Because of my tendency to realize I've been an ass after I've already been an ass, I try to limit my exposure to my friends (and even strangers).  I feel like if I limit my friends to small doses of me, they'll remain my friends.  If they experience Total Beth Saturation, they may go into renal shutdown and then cut me off.  I can't handle the rejection after their realization.  So I'm proactive.  I self-limit. 

The self-limiting can even be a little stressful.  When a friend wants to get together, I have to assess the situation:  When was the last time we hung out?  Did I say or do something stupid?  Probably.  Do I have some cleaning up or apologizing to do?  Most likely.  Are they ready for another dose?  Is this person starting to develop Beth Resistance?  Hopefully.

So I guess the dieting rule of thumb applies to me, as well.  Everything - in moderation - is okay. 

Does anyone else experience this?  Or do I need to see a specialist?

-B