Why Lou Rawls and I Hate CrossFit

Recently, I read and shared on Facebook an article warning about the dangers of CrossFit… something about being attacked by bloody clowns, or something?  I don’t know.  I didn't read it very closely cuz I really just liked the fact that it appeared to be anti-CrossFit, so I hopped on the bandwagon.  In fact, I hopped on that bandwagon like an f-ing pie-in-the-sky box jump, bitches! 

I bet you’re wondering why I dislike CrossFit, so much?

The reality is my hatred for the hottest craze to buck the fitness industry is purely emotional and backed by completely unscientific and mostly-made-up research.

 

Lou Rawls’ song is looping in my brain as I write this.  I virtually cradle the chrome microphone between my cupped hands and remorsefully sing to you…

“You'll never find, as long as you live

Someone who loves you tender like I do.

You'll never find, no matter where you search

Someone who cares about you the way I do…”

I joined the fitness industry more than 7 years ago, after about a decade of being an unhealthy, lazy fat-ass.  I was never athletic.  Shit!  I’m still not “athletic”.  I wanted to be able to scale rock walls, jump high, flip my body like I had springs for feet, and run faster than the wind.  But my body mechanics – and sad, sad lack of coordination – would not allow it.  Instead, I dug deep and learned to work with what I CAN do… and then master the shit out of it! 

I became certified to teach every possible fitness discipline I could handle.  Eventually, one of my besties, Kay, and I created a fitness business and named our new baby KBfit.  We dug deep into our souls, hearts, and finances to help everybody we could touch through the power of physical fitness.  It had changed our lives and we had a vision to change their lives.  We wanted to show people how to be their best in spite of injuries, age, and… fear.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a new fitness phenomenon was rising up.  Friends were joining CrossFit boxes and telling me all about their cool workouts.  I really wanted to try it.  But then I saw how much it cost.  That was a deal-breaker for me.  That and my own previous injuries including but not limited to a 2-level spinal fusion.  *Le Sigh* 

Kay and I bought equipment, attended conferences, and obtained certifications and licensing.  We designed workouts that could challenge people at every fitness level.  More than a year and a half later, KBfit is still kicking.  We research and scheme to keep workouts fresh.  We strive to add a personal touch and really get to know every single one of our members.  We make ourselves available all day – every day .  We try to accommodate as many needs as we can. We truly love our business and – even more – we truly love our members.  That’s all we want to do.  Love our members and deliver something that is neither cost-prohibitive nor injury-inducing.  We just want to exist and do our thing  - changing lives and promoting wellness. 

Here’s the thing:  We love our members and our business so much that we are like jealous lovers. 

And there it is, readers.  THAT is why I hate CrossFit!  CrossFit (CF) threatens the sanctity of our love. 

I hate competing with an entity that threatens to steal my people… my loves.  I hate competing for you.  I just want to love you.  Just relax and let me love you, baby. 

 “… Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, baby

But I'm the one who loves you

And there's no one else, no-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh one else…”

Let me repeat that.  No… One… else!!!

Am I a CF-hater because I “can’t hang”?  Yeah.  I guess so.  I have titanium rods in my back and now half my plantar’s fascia has been severed. You’re damn right I can’t jump up and down off a box that’s 2-4 feet high!  And I shouldn't have to, either!  Why you gotta make me and my people feel bad for not wanting to jump around like a damned fart in a bottle, risking a torn Achilles’ tendon or ACL?

Am I jealous?  How ‘bout yes!  I’d love to be able to do a zillion un-assisted pull-ups.  But I can’t.  Maybe I’m too tall.  Maybe I’m too weak.  Maybe I’m too fat.  But why you gotta make me cry and hate myself for it?  Why can’t you just hug me and help me find a workaround so I can feel GOOD about myself?

I believe fitness should make us feel good.  Not make us compete with our own peers so hard out of our realm of safety that we barf or get hurt… or piss ourselves… really, CrossFit?  REALLY?!  That’s not even sanitary!

“You'll never find, it'll take the end of all time

Someone to understand you like I do

You'll never find the rhythm, the rhyme

All the magic we shared, just us…”

I understand you, baby.  I know your trials and tribulations.  I know when you want to quit and when you need to quit.  That CrossFit coach SAYS he loves you, but does he give you his cell number and tell you to text him anytime you need someone to talk you down from the ledge?  Does he let you bring your kids to class cuz you’re strapped for a sitter?  Does he give you a price break cuz you’re strapped for cash?  Does he give you a hug cuz you’re strapped for answers why you’re not losing weight? 

Now, I have lots of friends who do CF and they are good people.  They don’t make me cry or taunt me when I walk by and call me names like, “Sissy bootcamper” or anything like that.  I know, I know… I know my hatred is not rational or even scientifically founded.  I know not all CF boxes and CF people are evil.    But I still feel the divide.  I still pick up the condescension.    

“Whoa, I'm not tryin' to make you stay, baby

But I know some how, some day, some way

You are (you're gonna miss my lovin')…”

You will, you know.  Some day… you will miss my lovin’.  You’ll miss the good times we had.  You’ll miss how much I cared for you.  You’ll miss how hard I worked to make you smile. 

So, that’s it.  That’s why I hate CrossFit.  I hate all the rhetoric about how it’s tougher than errthing else.  You know what?  It’s NOT better than all the other fitness entities.  It’s just different.  So stop bragging like it’s better than us, stronger than us, and sexier than us.  Just like all the other crazes, it WILL eventually be replaced by a newer take on the same damn thing.  And I’ll still be here… doing MY thing…. Loving you.

Disclaimer:  Lou Rawls doesn't really hate CrossFit.  I totally made that up.