Come To My Window

Being a mom has put me in touch with my inner paranoid schizophrenic.  Or maybe just getting older has done this to me?  No matter.  It's done.

Not long ago (or maybe it was long ago, but my obsession keeps this event fresh and new) our house was egged.  Not once... but twice in 1 week.  It terrified my young daughter because she couldn't understand why someone would do that to us.  Did they hate us?  Were they trying to hurt us?  And if so, why with eggs... a healthy source of protein?

When I realized how much she internalized the egging and how much it upset her, it was game on for me.  I was livid.  Of course I knew it was some "punk" showboating for his/her friends, it  wasn't personal (most likely?), and they clearly didn't value the health benefits of eggs.  I was so pissed off that since then, I have developed bionic ears.  I can hear and sense punks a mile away (or so I think).

My bionic ears kicked in at 3am last nite (I know I should say "this morning", here... but it doesn't feel right).  I heard the iron gates of our fenced backyard creak outside my bedroom window.  Remember Jaime Sommers from the Bionic Woman and how she'd push her long blonde hair back, cup her hand around her bionic ear, and lean in a little to hear things miles away?

 
That was me!  I strained to hear the source or some follow-up sounds.  Then I (thought) I heard the gravel shift a little on the path that leads from the gate into the backyard.  "Mother-F'in PUNKS!  I will beat your asses!!!"

I slinked out of the bed and crouched down real low.  Didn't wanna tip em' off that I was on to them, right?!  I was like Hidden Dragon Crouching Tiger... or Crouching Dragon Hidden Tiger... or Crouching Middle-Aged Woman Hidden Mental Issues... whatever!  You get my point.  I was STEALTH!  I slooooooowly pushed the sheer aside and peeeeeered out the side of the window.  My face pressed against the glass, my hands cupped around my eyes to eliminate the glare; and then I heard it....

Nothing.  No "Shhhh!  Shhhhh!  She'll hear you!"  No movement in the shrubbery.  I strained my eyes to activate my super-human night vision.  Still nothing.

Well, I did see something, actually.

I saw the reflection of a pathetic, paranoid woman behaving like Gladys Kravitz, the nosy busy-body neighbor on Bewitched.  "ABNER!  I heard something out there!!!"

Ashamed, I went back to bed.  "Oh my God!  I'm SUCH AN IDIOT!!!  They're not going to LET me see them!"

-B(Sting)