50 Shades: Dark Grey
11
Anastasia and Christian stand at the precipice of pain… both emotional and physical.
Alright. That’s enough flowery writer-speak. Let’s get down to brass tacks (I have no idea what the hell that actually means, by the way).
Ana has agreed to enter The Red Room of Pain (Christian’s evil playroom where he assumes the role of Dominant and bosses around his Submissives). Christian has a thing for hearty food consumption, so he makes Ana eat a well-balanced dinner first. He worries like a Jewish mother. After dinner, he announces, “… right now, I just want to tie you up and fuck you senseless. Are you ready for that?”
Yes. Yes I am. Oh… wait. You weren’t talking to me, were you. Dammit!
“Yes,” she’s all in.
“Good. Come.”
I’m a little surprised she didn’t actually come on command, there.
He takes her hand and leads her upstairs to The Playroom (seems to me, a place like that should be in the basement… like a dungeon), leaving all the dirty dishes on the breakfast bar.
Oh, hell no! That would never happen in my house. We do not leave a pile of dirty dishes to go have savage sex in a dungeon that happens to be located on the wrong floor of the house. No sir! We clean that shit up! THEN we go have savage sex in a …. Well… then we go watch TV or scan Facebook.
In The Playroom, he undresses her, “… and absentmindedly folds [her] dress, not taking his eyes off [her].”
So you’ll leave a festering pile of dirty dishes, but you neatly fold a dress before whipping your girlfriend. Fair enough.
As part of the party-prep, he braids her hair and then “… ties it with an unseen hair tie…”
Does El Jefe know how to braid hair? How many men have hair bands on their person… just in case they need to quickly braid their women’s hair? Is this standard issue for women with long hair? Do your boyfriends/husbands stop the throes of passion to exclaim, “Baby, let me just braid your hair real quick-like so it doesn’t get all up in my way.”
Christian performs a brief Playroom Orientation, “When I tell you to come in here, I expect you to kneel [wearing only panties] over there [a spot near the door]. Do it now.”
I am confident El Jefe would approve of this rule. However, HRH and Moose (the dog) may be a bit confused and scarred to find me kneeling at the back door, wearing only panties, looking down at my spread legs… awaiting El Jefe’s arrival. Knowing Moose (the dog), he’d jam his snout between my legs and breathe deeply. That dog is so odd.
“You can sit back on your heels.”
Oh, thank you for your generosity in securing my personal comfort. Asshat!
“Will you remember this position, Anastasia?”
Ana’s response: “Yes, sir.”
My response: Fuck you, Jackwagon.
Why aren’t chiseled, domineering, hyper-protective men ever attracted to me? Oh. Wait… never mind.
Throughout all three books, Ana uses the same verbiage to describe Christian, a lot. For instance, she addresses his smell frequently. Apparently, he “smells of body wash and Christian.”
What the hell does this mean? What kind of body wash? How does she know it’s body wash? Maybe he swipes a garden-variety bar of Irish Spring or Lever 2000 across his man-parts? And what IS Christian-smell? Curry? Next time I smell a bouquet of flowers, I’m going to murmur that they smell like Christian.
Another one of her favorite descriptors is “trussed up”. Everything gets “trussed up”… her boobs, her wrists, her entire body… all “trussed up”. I have to admit, this one has crept into my vocabulary, too. Now, whenever I work out, I “truss up” my knee. And when I’m getting dressed, I “truss up” the girls, too. Although, those bitches now need industrial strength shackles… or a good surgeon.
“… he hooks his fingers into my panties and… peels them down my legs… so that he ends up kneeling in front of me.”
That’s right. Nooooooow we’re cooking with fire.
“… he scrunches my panties in his hand, holds them up to his nose, and inhales deeply.”
Weirdo.
Ana is “trussed up”, hanging like a slab o’ meat in a plant and Christian slaps and runs a riding crop through her cucaracha, “See how wet you are for this, Anastasia? Open your eyes and mouth.”
He jams the wet crop into her mouth.
I’m imagining myself in this scenario. It goes something like this: With the wet crop in my mouth, I slur, “Is this thing clean? This can’t be hygienic. I guess I always assumed I tasted better than this. I need to eat some pineapple, or something.”
“See how you taste? Suck. Suck hard, baby.”
This is just stupid. I’m embarrassed for you, Christian. Sucking a riding crop. Really?
Ana thinks to herself, “I can taste… the saltiness of my arousal.”
You know, it’s not a dinner roll glaze, for fuck’s sake! “Say, B, what’s on these dinner rolls? Melted butter? Some sort of glaze? It’s just lightly salty.” / “Why, no. In fact, it’s my special arousal sauce. See, I run each roll through my hoo-ha just seconds before I serve them up. So you like it?”
“Oh, Anastasia, you taste mighty fine.”
I know, right! That’s what all my friends say, too. Eat up, Christian.
So, he slaps her with a riding crop until she comes. So… what… 2 slaps? Then he tells her, “Lift your legs, baby, wrap them around me.” (cuz, you know, they’re now going to have The Sex while standing)
Help me out, here. Does this really work? I’m 6 feet tall, so this has never worked for me. My leg (note, it’s just one leg, cuz no man can support me AND hold both legs) is always still dragging on the floor and the parts never line up correctly. It sounds hot on paper, but the dots just don’t connect. Are you picking up what I'm putting down? The dots. They don't connect.
“I feel the build up again. Jeez, no… not again… I don’t think my body will withstand another Earth-shattering moment.”
Go to hell, Ana.
Lessee… a few pages later… oh look at that… they’re having The Sex. How is her vagina not broken?
“I can feel a gathering deep inside me.”
Why? Are you hungry? Do you have to poop?
“Oh no… and for the first time, I fear my orgasm… if I come… I’ll collapse.”
Oh shut up, you fucking cry-baby. Jeezus! Does this book ever end?!? I think I’m growing weary of make-believe great sex.
Oh! Here’s one of my favorite parts... There’s this one scene where Christian has laid out Ana’s clothes while she’s in the shower (If I let El Jefe do this for me, I’d spend every day dressed like a circus clown whore) and he’s craftily omitted her panties. So she goes to meet his parents SANS PANTIES!
Right. Okay. Let’s stay here, for a moment. I have a friend or two who have gone sans panties. I have never gotten my head around this. Men, brace yourselves, cuz I’m about to reveal something about women that you may not want to know but it’s time for you to grow up. You see, after ovulation, there’s almost always some sort of 'stuff' dropping outta there. Panties’ main purpose, therefore, is to catch the errant drips. If she’s not wearing panties, where do you think that shit ends up? How ‘bout the back of her dress or every chair and couch she sits on. Basically, she’s leaving a shiny snail trail everywhere she goes… all because she’s trying to be sexy. Tell me… do you still think that’s sexy?
In another scene, he’s about to insert a pair of Ben Wa Balls into her. Wondering what those are? Here’s a brief explanation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Wa_balls Wondering how I knew what they were? Don’t you worry your pretty little head about that.
Upon insertion, he tells her, “Now turn around, bend down, and grab your ankles.”
Funny. The IRS tells me to assume this position ever year.
There’s a lot more sex, but I’m getting tired of explaining it all to you.
But then there’s this one scene that grabbed my attention…
They’re about to climb into bed to do a crossword puzzle… haha… no, no… they’re about to have The Sex, silly. And Christian asks Ana, “Are you bleeding?”
Foreplay, arousal, blah, blah, blah.
And then…
“He reaches between my legs and pulls on the … string… and gently takes my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet.”
STOP! STOPSTOPSTOP! He can’t toss that into the toilet! Those are not supposed to be flushed! This is a little wrong on other levels, too, but I’m guessing I don’t need to state the obvious, here.
They move on to sex and then she remembers, “I’m bleeding.”
That doesn’t bother him, “Does it bother you?”
Uh… how ‘bout Yeah!?! Cuz the room would look like a damned CSI crime scene!
Thankfully, they proceed to take a bath. Filthy bastards need to clean that shit up, too!
In the tub, he grabs her and pulls her onto his lap, “I’m going to have you now,” he whispers.
Water sloshes all over the floor.
I can’t take it. Water all over the floor, too? Where does it end, people?!? Dirty dishes, blood, water… you’re pigs! PIGS!!
I’m certain there’s more sex. And then she agrees to let him spank her with a leather strap… six times… really hard.
To her surprise, she doesn’t care for that activity. Who knew?
Dumbass.
They have a poignant conversation (without sex) and book one concludes.
-B(Sting)
