50 Shades: Medium Grey
4
When we left off, Ana was administering her very first blow job… in a bath tub… like a snake swallowing an entire rat.
Let’s finish that scene up, shall we?
While forcing Christian’s river rat all the way back to her uvula (that goofy flap of flesh that hangs down waaaaaaaaaay in the back of our throats), he cries out and then a gush of “salty liquid” oozes down the back of her throat.
So, we’ve now learned that our comely little Ana can come on command via any method of stimulation AND she’s expert at providing barnburning blow jobs. (good word usage AND double entendre, yeah?)
Well, that’s just great. Good for you, Ana. Never mind that it took me several passes before I got pretty good at what I do. And, frankly, who knows if I’m really any good at what I do? Jefe’s never said, “Wow, B! You’re really bad at this!” So I just assume I’m really good. No news is good news, right?
Not five minutes out of the tub and they’re at it again. Only this time, he binds her wrists with a tie and she is instructed to keep her hands over her head. He sensually sashays his mouth down her body, stopping to “kiss her there”.
Don’t pretend you don’t know where.
She’s “…mortified and embarrassed…” when she realizes what he’s about to do.
Really, Ana? NOW you’re mortified and embarrassed??
“Do you know how intoxicating you smell, Miss Steele?” … he pushes his nose into [her] pubic hair and inhales.
Intoxicating, how? Intoxicating like a rinsed-out tuna can? Intoxicating like fresh salmon?
Christian goes down on Ana and makes her come.
Never saw that one coming, eh?
See what I did, there?
Then they have sex and she comes again.
Of course.
See what I did, there?
Then they have sex and she comes again.
Of course.
We’re still on book one, by the way.
Words, plot, blah, blah, blah…
Later… I don’t know… that day? There’s so goddamn much sex, I constantly lose track of time in the book. Anyhoo, later, Christian and Ana are in Ana’s room. He binds her hands to her bed and then he gets to work on unveiling her bottom half, starting with her shoes. “Oh no… no… my feet. No. I’ve just been running.”
Oh, God! Not that! Not sweaty feet from running?!? Abort mission, Christian! Abort! Her FEET! SHE’S BEEN RUNNING, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!
Yes, that was sarcasm. Ana’s good at orgasm. I’m good at sarcasm. We all have a calling.
All the things she’s already revealed and engaged in and she’s worried about her feet? Personally, I’d be a little more worried about my post-run “intoxicating scent”. But… you know… whatever.
He pushes her shirt up over her eyes to act as a blindfold and then leaves her to get a drink. Upon return, he asks if she’s thirsty. Of course she is! She’s just been running and getting her feet all gross and sweaty! She concedes that she is and he pours wine in her mouth… via his mouth.
Let’s stop here and back up, a minute. You’re naked, semi-blindfolded, and bound to your bed. A man leans over to kiss you and liquid pours from his mouth to yours. Do you a)swallow in greedy anticipation of what it might be b) swallow because you’re trying really hard to be all cool and schexy but inwardly gag cuz you know damn well that shit’s laced with a ton of backwash or c) spew it from your mouth in disgust?
My response is somewhere between ‘b’ and ‘c’.
Back on track… Ana’s bedroom… mouth-to-mouth beverage transfer… more foreplay, witticisms, and then he flips her over and jams her knees forward so her ass is in the air…
Oh God, NO! NOT THAT!?! Already?!?
No. Not that, dear reader. Gotcha! Actually, he smacks her ass and takes her doggie-style. In keeping with the trend she’s started, he plunges inside her and she comes instantly.
Let me repeat that.
He plunges inside (one motion) and she comes instantly (one and done).
What’s going on here? Is it me? Am I broken? Has my orgasm switch shorted out? Am I the only one who requires at least a full stroke or more before my “flower unfurls its petals”?
Let’s dive into Ana’s first real spanking. When Ana makes the mistake of rolling her eyes at Christian (which, quite frankly, I have almost rolled my damned eyeballs right outta my head, by now), he tells her “I’m going to spank you, and then I’m going to fuck you very quick and very hard…”
At this point, I can’t decide if I’d punch Christian in the face or clap my hands with giddy delight.
“… Suddenly he grabs [Ana], tipping [her] across his lap… He throws his… leg over [hers] and plants his left forearm on the small of [her] back, holding [her] down so [she] cannot move.”
He pulls down her pants and caresses her bare ass.
I’m leaning toward giddy…
Then he delivers a swift, hard blow. The pain of the first strike sears through her and she tries to rise, but he digs his hand between her shoulder blades, keeping her down across his lap and proceeds to hit her again and again…. Eighteen times, in fact.
I just made up my mind. The motherfucker would get a swift kick in the pants and another kick to the head while he’s down.
“Enough… Well done, Anastasia. Now I’m going to fuck you.”
Oh. Hold on. Maybe I don’t need to beat the shit out of him, after all?
I’m sure you can guess the rest. He fucks her. She comes. Yadda, yadda.
There’s a lot of condom usage in book 1. Safety first, you know. According to my Kindle Reader, condoms are used about 19 times (in the… what? 2 weeks they’ve known each other?).
Nineteen times! That’s some serious latex hypersensitization! How does that girl not have a perpetual yeast infection?!? Can she even feel her hoo-ha, anymore?
You know what? I’m getting tired of all this amazing sex and free-flowing orgasms. In a nutshell, book 1 goes on and on with:
- Christian raking his hands through his dark, luxurious hair
- Salacious glares
- “mercurial mood swings”
- Their first jaunt in the playroom
Oh. Perhaps you’d like to cover their first playroom event?
Another time…
-B(Sting)
