50 Shades: Light Grey
3
I’m not really in a position to critique or criticize EL James’ writing style. I believe she has admitted in interviews that she makes no claim to be a great author. She gave writing a shot and it took off. In that, alone, I am jealous. Besides, she spins a good story. All kidding aside, I truly enjoyed the story. Additionally, I’m a sucker for a brooding, protective, attractive, unattainable man who falls for a plain-but-plucky-girl story.
While James’ main character, Anastasia (Ana), uses the word ‘crap’ 93 times in the first book and her face flushes approximately 113 times, this review will focus on the raw, hot sex rather than the redundancy of her language. Jokes have been made that women across all nations are reading these books with one hand under the blankets. I know you know what I’m saying, here. And it’s true. The sex is hot… fairly mythical… but hot, nonetheless.
Let’s get this party started…
Christian and Ana’s first passionate kiss in an elevator was a fantastic metaphor for their relationship. Ground floor - hot kissing. Fly to the top. Plummet to the ground. The way Christian exclaimed “Oh, fuck the paperwork” and lunged at Ana all hot and bothered… well, that was pretty hot and bothersome.
Sometimes when I’m in an elevator, Jefe farts and then laughs. Not the same outcome.
Moving right along… let’s address Ana’s ‘first time’. Once she revealed to Christian that she was still a virgin (at the ripe old age of 21), he declared it was time to rectify her situation.
Romantic.
“Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.”
If I were a 21-year old virgin and an older, hot Adonis coolly stated that he was going to make love to me right now, I can almost guarantee I’d piss myself with nervous laughter. Frankly, the whole “let’s make love” statement has always made me giggle uneasily. Who says that in real life? “Oh, El Jefe! Make love to me! Make sweet, sweet love to me!” Were you able to read that without feeling embarrassed for me? Yeah. Me, neither.
Eventually, he stripped her of all her clothes and lies on his bed. Read that, again. He stripped her of all HER clothes and then HE lies on his bed. Cuz that's not awkward, at all. Then he implored her to show him how she pleasures herself.
Dude! Come on. Really? She’s a 21-year old virgin who has never had a boyfriend. My guess is a) she hasn’t explored that pastime, yet or b) she’s not comfortable rubbing one out in front of you. Do you really think she’s gonna be like, “Well, first I lick my fingers like this…”.
Christian… buddy… it’s not like she’s showing you how she ties her shoes, for chrissakes.
Stay with me, reader. It just keeps getting better.
Next up: Baby’s First Climax.
Christian wants to see if he can make Ana climax purely by nipple stimulation.
Hahahahahaha…. Good luck, there, big guy!
Guess what happens?
She comes.
No. Really. She does.
She comes.
No. Really. She does.
Are you fucking kidding me??!! Hold. On. Listen, I know she’s wanton, wound up, and turned on… but orgasm through nipple stimulation ONLY… her first time out the gates? No. I’m not buyin’ that shit.
So, he’s just made her come by tweaking her nips and now he’s moving downward. She’s just had her first orgasm and she says to herself, “Jeez.”
Yeah. She’s 21. Climaxing her brains out with a hot billionaire and the best she can come up with (no pun intended) is “jeez”. Can I get a “holy fuck” up in here, please? “Jeez” just doesn’t capture the essence of the moment, Ana!
Once she’s all wet and jazzed up he slides on a condom and goes for the gold. While he’s on… like… thrust number 4, she feels a warmth build inside her.
WHAT?!? No! NO! NO NO No no no nonononononoooooo! You are a 21-year old virgin! You do NOT get to orgasm via vaginal intercourse like it’s an everyday occurrence! I do not allow it! I forbid you to come! On behalf of hard working women everywhere, I command you to turn this ship around!
“Come for me, Ana,” he whispers breathlessly…
Aaaaaaaaaand she does.
Do you have any idea how many experienced women cannot do that? For many (dare I say ‘most’) women, it takes practice and technique to pull that feat off. And this skinny little shit pops em’ out like a fucking PEZ dispenser! Pull her head back and she comes. Just. Like. That.
Just minutes after he finished, she wants to go again; and Christian is ready. Bam! Condom. Entry. Orgasm. Take III.
My first time lasted about 30 seconds and I distinctly remember saying (out loud), “That’s it? I waited 19 years for that?”
But I’m not bitter, or anything.
Let’s recap:
- 21-year old virgin
- 1st ever orgasm reached via twisting and tugging on nipples
- 1st ever sexual intercourse results in orgasm #2
- Man is ready to hit it again within seconds, resulting in orgasm #3
- THIS IS HER FIRST SEXUAL ENCOUNTER EVER
Seems legit.
Their next rendezvous (the following morning) occurs in his bathtub. They don’t have The Sex in there, but he does showcase his manual dexterity. Sitting behind her, he slooooowly washes her shoulders… back… neck…. collar bone…. breasts.
Then he heads further down, washing and massaging her thighs. He stops and applies more liquid soap to the wash cloth and heads right for …
What?! No! You can’t apply and RUB that shit right into her cucaracha! What the fuck?! Why don’t you just pour a packet of quick-rise yeast right up in there, while you’re at it, too, man!?
I winced when I read that cuz I know how that ends in the real world. I just know, okay? Let’s leave it at that.
He stops short of completing orgasm #4 (but who’s counting). Some other stuff is said… blah, blah, blah… and she blows his mind. Really. She deep-throats the guy with nary a gag reflex.
Oh come on! Now she’s just making me look bad. If he’s that far down her throat, how the hell is she breathing? And he’s still in the tub? Isn’t she drowning?! Lift your head, Ana! Breathe!
You may be thinking to yourself, “Wow, B! Sounds to me like you’re jealous.”
You know, I’d love to lie around effortlessly orgasming all day, but I gots shit to do. So how 'bout you step off, bra!
-B(Sting)
